If Elvis Were Alive Today
There has be a lot of talk about Elvis Presley lately. I guess its because if he were alive he would be 70 years old. On tv this week there was a movie on about Elvis and last night on the late show, David Letterman had Precilla Presley on. Tonight they have some kind of “never before seen movie clips” of Elivs on. I admit he was way before my time, but I find it interesting that people are still so in love with him. If Elvis were alive today, what would be on his “TO DO” list?
Elvis To Do List
1. Stop Lisa Maris from marrying anymore weirdos
2. Eat a hunka hunka cheddar cheese
3. Rattle some chairs and make some groaning noises over at Michael Jacksons ranch
4. Thank the fans, thank them very much
5. Shoot the TV again, aiming for the two remaining Beatles
6. Somehow try to get it through my fans that I’m fucking dead!
7. Round up all the Elvis impersonators and shoot them
8. Visit the Krispy Kreme they put down the street from Graceland, “Put ‘em in the trunk, boys. Thank yew. Thank yew vurrah much.”
The Late Show Top Ten List:
Copyright 1997 by Worldwide Pants Inc.
Things Elvis Would Say if He Came Back Today
10. “I’ve been dead 20 years, and I still look better than Keith Richards”
9. “What do you know? The Jets still suck”
8. “I’m hungry — is there are any food stuck in my sideburns?”
7. “I can’t believe I missed the McRib Sandwich!”
6. “Who’s this ‘Richard Simmons,’ and why’s he keep trying to hug me?”
5. “I’ve been dead 20 years, you moron — of course I want fries with that!”
4. “Heaven was great until that freaky bastard Tiny Tim showed up”
3. “That Letterman punk’s on the TV — where’s my revolver?”
2. “I haven’t been dead — I’ve been starring in a series on CBS”
1. “Lisa Marie married who?”
